WHY WOMEN (with feminine cores) SHOULD QUIT MAKING THE FIRST MOVE & STOP PURSING MEN (with masculine cores)

A few years ago, I landed a job in a small café nestled within an industrial area. The café was completely surrounded by businesses owned and operated by men; car yards, BMX shops, builders’ warehouses, BBQ sheds, CrossFit gyms... and so it came as no surprise that a large portion of the customers we served on a daily basis were men, much to the delight of the other girls I worked with who, like me, were completely single at the time.

One in particular relished the fact that 80% of our customer base was men and treated every day as an opportunity to meet her future husband. She used the café as her own personal dating pool, arriving each day immaculately dressed and made up just in case the love of her life walked in. She was extremely confident and outgoing, flirting with boys behind the counter all day long and handing her number out to them like a business card. I observed her behaviour quietly for the first few months, biting my tongue every time she scribbled her phone number on the side of a customer’s coffee cup or told us about the new guy she’d messaged on Instagram that week. However, I kept my mouth shut, because I was the new girl and it was not my place to give unsolicited advice.

A few weeks in, I told the girls that one of the members of the CrossFit gym next door had caught my eye. Naturally, they urged me to give him my number.
            ‘No way,’ was my response to their suggestion.
            ‘Why not?!’ The confident one asked. ‘I saw the way you two were talking, he’s obviously interested in you!’
            ‘If he’s interested, he will ask me himself,’ I told her with a smile. She just shook her head at me like I was crazy and carried on telling us about the multiple dates she’d been asked on that week.

Over the next few months, her dating saga continued and unsurprisingly, she ended up heartbroken every few weeks. I felt like I was watching my younger self and by this point, we were close enough that I knew I could offer my two cents on the situation without her taking offence.

            ‘If I were you, I would stop giving out my number and messaging guys first,’ I said one morning after she had told me about yet another boy who had suddenly gone cold on her.   
            ‘Why?’ She asked, a deep frown set between her eyes.
            ‘Because in my experience, any time you chase a guy, they eventually end up going cold or ghosting you,’ I explained, ‘the masculine is meant to pursue the feminine, not the other way around.’
She stopped unwrapping the cabinet and rolled her eyes at me.
            ‘Gemma, it’s the 21st century, a woman can ask a man out if she wants to.’
            ‘Absolutely she can,’ I nodded, ‘but how has that been working out for you so far?’
She considered my question in silence for a moment, mentally scrolling through her dating history, before realising that I might just be right.
            ‘I’m only telling you this because I used to do the exact same things as you and all it ever led to was me getting hurt.’ I told her. ‘Take my advice, stop chasing men and let them come to you.’

Indeed, I had learnt the hard way that pursuing men was not my job as a feminine being, and that being too available to men, too eager to give them all of my love so early on and too willing to offer them my divine emotional, mental and physical self actually pushed them away, rather than pulled them in.

And it didn’t matter how attractive, intelligent and interesting I was – these men only sensed one thing from me – neediness and desperation. And it completely and utterly REPELLED them.

I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache if I had only listened years earlier to the wise words of my customer-turned-friend Rob, an older gentleman who often had something to say about the pathetic state of my love life.

 ‘Stop being the wounded gazelle lying on its back with its legs in the air Gem,’ he’d advised me. ‘Make it hard for them, make them chase you. Lions get bored of an easy kill, and so do men.’

My best friend who was with me at the time, could barely control her laughter at his horrifyingly accurate anecdote. And I knew in every fibre of my being that I was the wounded gazelle, but I didn’t know how not to be. And I didn’t figure it out for many years to come.

Several long years, many more heartbreaks and a great deal of inner work later – my journey led me to take a deep dive into masculine and feminine polarity and I began to learn about the stark differences between men and women. From the way we think and perceive life, to our core desires, motivators and needs and the different roles we play in relation to one another – I learnt that the masculine and feminine are completely different species. Suddenly, everything began to make sense.

The masculine operates from his mind, while the feminine operates from her heart.
The masculine provides the seed, while the feminine offers the soil.
The masculine represents doing, while the feminine represents being.
The masculine is the provider, while the feminine is the receiver.
The masculine pursues, while the feminine attracts.

And although we have evolved far beyond the age of the caveman – some things have not changed and to this day, the masculine is still biologically hardwired to be the hunter. It is within a masculine man’s very nature to hunt down, chase and pursue his desires and to take the necessary action to obtain that which he requires for his survival and the continuation of his bloodline, his legacy.

And today in our modern society, this quality of the masculine can be translated into the simple truth that; MATURE, CONSCIOUS MEN ALWAYS GO AFTER WHAT THEY WANT & NOTHING & NO ONE CAN STAND IN THEIR WAY.

Because it is their natural instinct to do so. They don’t have to think twice about it – when a mature masculine sees something that he wants (whether that be a woman, a career, a lifestyle, or a physique) he makes a plan and starts taking action towards that thing immediately. He doesn’t sit with the idea, he doesn’t waver, and he doesn’t procrastinate. He simply begins his hunt.

So if a man is not actively pursuing you, there are generally only two reasons;
1. He is not interested because he does not see potential in you as his future wife & mother of his children
OR
2. He is stuck in his immature masculine energy and is operating out of a wounded state and does not contain the confidence, courage or fortitude to take the necessary action required to pursue you

This is why when a woman approaches a man and he initially shows interest but then suddenly drops off the face off the planet with no explanation a few weeks later... it’s not because he ‘got busy with work’ or ‘had family stuff come up.’ It’s because he was physically attracted to her and was only ever interested in one thing - satisfying his sexual urges. Men are simple creatures and once you understand their nature, it is not difficult to decipher their intentions.

Once I understood this, I stopped using dating apps. Stopped making the first move. And stopped seeking, chasing and actively looking for romantic connection outside of myself and instead, began focusing on myself, on my growth, on my business and my family and friends and my own pleasure and worked on giving myself the love I desired and deserved internally, knowing that once I did, it would arrive in my external world.

Because my experiences have taught me that a man will find a woman who is busy living her own life, who is ambitious and happy and satisfied on her own and isn’t available to him 24/7, so much more attractive than the highly-accessible woman who is out there consciously searching for love and willing to give herself over mind, body and soul at the drop of a hat.

So if you are reading this and any part of it is resonating, here is my advice to you - put all of your energy into yourself first queen, and I promise love will find its way to you.

Trusting and surrendering to the process of life always. Gem x